I am a Christian – I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior in 1983 when I was 26 years old. 1983 had been proclaimed as “The Year of the Bible”. When I bought a paperback Bible, I got a free “spiritual Journal” which urged believers to spend time reading the Bible every day and join a church – so I did!
In 2012 when I was 55, I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and Light Chain Deposition disease which had destroyed 76% of my kidneys – the International staging for Multiple Myeloma said if your beta 2 micro globulins are over 5, you are at the worst stage – mine were 8.5. I was stunned. So, I faced my mortality for the first time – and God, to whom I had prayed many times daily, now seemed huge – immense and scary. It was as if I didn’t know Him at all. How could we live just long enough to love and become part of so many lives and then die? I felt angry and out of control and I accused Him: “Why did you create me? You don’t know how it feels to feel so small and helpless and out of control facing pain and death.” – and like a bolt of lightening He answered- Jesus. Ah, Jesus did know what it felt like! Before this I had no idea what a comfort it is to people who are suffering that Jesus also suffered. Jesus became my life line I – I talked to Him constantly. I told Him my feelings – Jesus would know what I felt like. (yes, yes, I believe in the Triune God – but Jesus was the only way I could approach God at this time. And to this day, when I wake at night, my prayers are to Jesus.)
Cancer brought my Christian walk to a whole new level – reality replaced theory – I understood that I will die – that this world is temporary- But peace came when I realized that this life is not all there is; “For God so loved the World, that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whoever should believe in Him would have eternal life.” (John 3:16). I repeated that many times per day and clung to it when I felt anxious. The Bible says that we are sojourners and travelers on this earth. It isn’t a question of IF I will die it is a question of when – everyone is going to die. This blog is full of ideas of ways to prolong life and health – so I am not indifferent to death – but I believe my life is in God’s hands. I seek His guidance and help as I research and implement new ideas.
Jesus understands our dread of death . I appreciate that the Bible records Him weeping when He saw Mary and Martha grieving their brothers death. And while I don’t know all of what Jesus faced on the cross – beyond physical pain and suffering – He faced separation from God the Father while bearing our sins and He experienced death itself – but that is beyond my comprehension. The Bible says He had planned from eternity past to suffer and die to save us. But all of that is mysterious to me – I know that He sweat drops of blood and asked God to take away the “cup” that He was facing. I am glad I can talk to Him about my dread of death and He knows what I feel like. I don’t have to face a time where I am separated from God. He promised to walk through everything (including death) with us. He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. I take comfort in the fact that He knows what it feels like, not just to face death, but to actually die and He knows that He has planned a resurrected body for me.
As strange as it sounds, I also went through a time of feeling guilty about dying. I felt like I was letting my elderly parents down – they were counting on me and to leave this world felt like “shirking my duty”. As if I I were not fulfilling my responsibility. But, I have come to put my responsibilities and family in His hands, too. Jesus will care for my loved ones. He will still be here when I am gone and He will watch over my loved ones – I put them in His hands.
Another freeing realization is that I am not God and I cannot feel responsible for things I can not control- my parents health and happiness for example. Other people need to deal with God directly. I will try to do my best as a wife, mother and daughter, and Christian – but I am not God. That is very freeing! My parents cannot rely on me for things that only God can provide. What a weight off my shoulders 🙂
I might live one year or 15 years – but I trust that Jesus has a plan for my life on this earth and with Him after I die. Struggling through the thought of death and accepting my mortality took a veil off life. Now, everything is different because I know that this life is only part of the story. If you think about it, many Bible stories would be down right depressing if there were not heaven waiting for us. The disciples, were martyred- killed violently and painfully. All the pious Old Testament followers of God got old and sick and died – BUT this world is not all there is! You can’t stop with the apostle Paul or John the Baptist having his head cut off – you have to follow him to the hero’s welcome waiting for him in heaven! And you can’t stop with Jesus brutally beaten and crucified – we know from Matthew 17:1,2 Peter, James and John were allowed to see Jesus transfigured – They saw His Deity -how He looked from eternity past, (but His glory was veiled by His humanity during his time on earth) John also saw Jesus and described Him in Revelation, His face is bright as the sun ( Matthew 18:2), His eyes are like flames of fire (Rev 1:14), His voice is like the roar of many waters! ( Rev 1:15) His feet are like burnished bronze refined in a furnace (Rev 1:15) and every Christian will fall down at the feet of Jesus and all creation will bow to Him. THAT is the rest of the story! Here, the name of Jesus has been used as a cuss word, but in heaven He will have a name that has never been defiled. Christians will also get a new name (Rev 2:17) and we will be a rich variety of saints – each child of God will reflect his own peculiar shade of the image of God. We will see churches as beloved golden candlesticks that hold up the truth as a light and we will see how precious our prayers are to God. And Jesus will come back to the earth in glory and judge the world. (2 Corinthians 5:10) (John 5 :22).
🙂